I’m glad November is almost done even if I have no reason to believe December will bring me better things.
My seasonal depression showed up on time and was joined by that special poverty induced depression that comes with being two months behind on everything with no hope of a way out. I’ve dealt with seasonal affective disorder most of my adult life and have learned many ways of managing the symptoms so that I have a level of functionality. The added despair just overwhelmed all efforts of self care this month. I’m finding my way around it and out of it this week and feeling better but it was a doozy there for a bit. The self care aspect where I can make myself eat good things, take vitamin d, do light therapy, and avoid watching HGTV is helping a lot.
(HGTV is one of those terrible things I do when I’m depressed. At first it’s divine escapism but then I look around and remember that I had to cover a whole wall with plastic because the wind was literally blowing through it, it causes the rage-tears to come. AND I CAN’T STOP WATCHING EVEN AFTER THAT)

I don’t think enough people talk about the anger that happens when you’re depressed. I get stuck in the wheel of “am I angry because I’m depressed or am I depressed because I’m angry?”. It’s both. Vicious.

An article popped into my social media about how poor people are more likely to be depressed and tries to make the point that the reason poor people suffer from depression is because they lack access to mental health care. Ok, yeah that’s true but a lot of poor people wouldn’t even be depressed if they weren’t poor. OK? This is true and I’m angry about it. And I’m angry that when I say that, someone will always chastise me for thinking the answer to happiness is money . Which I do not think is true but goddammit, I WOULD BE A LOT FUCKING HAPPIER IF I WASN’T WORRIED ABOUT WHERE MY FAMILY IS GOING TO LIVE IF WE GET EVICTED IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER.
Jesus fucking christ.
Not everything is solved with thinking positively and manifesting your own happiness bullshit.
I actually have access to mental health care. I’m really fortunate but it’s frustrating that if I go to therapy, the goals in therapy will be to give to a set of tools to help me cope with rough days where the landlord tells us we have 3 days to pay rent or be evicted or a kid begging to join a club that costs $30 I don’t have. The goal will be for me not give up and quit. It’s a good goal but shit, it would just be easier on us poor people if we fix a shitty system that makes people feel desperate and sick.

So I’m angry about that a lot right now.

I hate the holidays but I guess having all my offspring home for the Turkey Day break did help me find some light.  We had a beautiful dinner that was thanks to my garden and the food pantry. We used my mother’s pretty china, which is now my china. My mom, always very pragmatic, began giving out her belongings a few years ago because “that’ll be less you have to deal with when I die.” . Now that seems like it would be depressing but it’s not to me. I think it’s incredibly thoughtful.

I was stunned to realize that there’s a waning chance that all my “kids” are guaranteed to be present and accounted for at the holidays. My oldest is graduating from park ranger school in the spring and who knows where he’ll be next holidays. My twins will be finishing college next year and won’t likely find their careers at home. Even my 16 year old is getting on with adulting and trying to graduate high school this year.  I know this is the sort of thing that a lot of parents get down about but it’s one thing that I feel good about. I didn’t have babies to raise babies. I wanted to grow them into people who could go out into the world and do good things and live happy lives. They’re doing good so far.
I’m not longing to hold on to the days where they’ll always be around me but the limited time did help me snap into the moment a but. It’s so hard. Depression makes everything foggy and floaty, so difficult to see clearly and be present. I had to summon my inner mongoose to fight off the beastly woes and hopefully I can keep that fight around.

 

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